Making Friendships Work When You’re Too Busy
Who has time to make new friends? “I barely have time for myself or my family.” “I can’t even keep in touch with the old friends.”
Maybe I’m just not good at making friends? “I just don’t make friends easily.” “It’s so much work and I feel awkward.” “I don’t fit in.”
If these statement resonate, you’re not alone. Making friends, genuinely trusted friends, as an adult can be a real challenge and most people struggle at some point in their life. With so many things pulling us in so many directions, finding time alone can feel like a miracle let alone time to socialize often enough to make an actual connection with another human being.
But here’s the thing, we ALL need real connection with other adult humans. Adulting can be tough. There’s plenty of research on the incredible importance of friendship to our physical and mental well-being and how critical it is to not just survive, but thrive. It’s a topic worth self-evaluating.
Why is it so hard to make friends?
In a day in age where most of our daily interactions are either on social media, email, or texts finding friend connections is uncharted territory for many of us.
With so many people working from home now, even “at work” we are deprived of actual human interaction.
Video chatting provides visual emotional cues with the person you’re speaking with and though a step up from non-visual communication formats, it still doesn’t provide a full experiential connection like being in-person.
With so few opportunities to be in the same physical space with peers, it’s no wonder we’ve lost social confidence and skills to create real friendships. We’re all a bit like awkward teenagers fearing rejection or judgment.
Adding to this loss of confidence and lack of opportunity to meet people organically, time itself has become such a precious commodity that it must be highly prioritized to stay balanced.
Is dedicating time for making friends worth the effort?
The simple answer is…YES! Creating or maintaining friendships are definitely worth keeping on the to-do list.
There have been many studies on the importance of friendship and if this is an area in your life that needs improvement, it’s worth doing a little research to support your journey.
Though I love statistics, personality quizzes, and scientific theory as much as the next person, I’m going to go about this from a simple common-sense approach.
I like simple.
Life (& relationships) are complicated enough, let’s just keep things in perspective and easily doable.
My Journey towards a life earned degree in Friend Education
A little back history on my journey and why friendship is so important to me and why I want to help you too - I learned the feeling of being the lonely new kid at a young age.
As in a movie, I experienced that defining moment as a new kid on the first day of school where I was sat at an empty desk in the middle of a classroom.
Just like my worst imagining, every kid slowly turned in unison to stare at me. It is engrained in my memory the moment one troublesome kiddo ordered the entire class to stare and laugh at me, causing the streams of tears down my cheeks.
To which my superbly awkward and seemingly unsympathetic teacher stuck me out in the hallway…alone, with a social studies book. Awesome. I felt so alone, scared and totally embarrassed.
But, like all resilient kiddos I eventually made a friend and began my lifelong journey towards learning valuable lessons of creating, letting go and holding onto friends.
Today, I am truly blessed to still have some of my closest friends I’ve had since I was in grade school. As an adult, over the 15+ years I worked in a corporate environment, I made some of my dearest long-term relationships at work and I still truly cherish them even though I don’t see many of them often.
With Parenting, the need to create a village isn’t just for your kid’s sake, it’s for YOURS.
It wasn’t until I became a mom that I really learned what deep loneliness felt like and discovered the challenges of making adult friends.
No one really warns you how lonely parenthood can be, which is so odd considering you’re rarely actually ever physically alone. Most of us put on a brave face or a smiling facade so the world will think we have it all together.
The truth is, we don’t. No one does.
Everyone is just trying to figure it all out, but it’s too exposing to admit out loud that we don’t know what we’re doing.
Add to all of that mind drama the coordinating playdates, child temperaments, age compatibility, family values, work, and dealing with the sheer vulnerability and fear of judgement that comes with parenthood, it’s a wonder anyone survives this phase of life or even leaves the house.
There are also those friendships that ran their natural course. Whether leaving a job, a move or a change in life’s circumstances some friendships naturally fade as life moves forward.
Then there are the hard-learned, yet invaluable, lessons of which friendships aren’t best for our mental health or where we messed up and lost a friend along the way.
All of these friendship scenarios are important for personal growth and teach us lessons on the importance of true friends.
In business, it’s said it costs more money to get a new customer than to retain a current one. This can be a similar concept with friends.
It can take a long time to make a new friend when you consider putting yourself out there to find people where you have things in common, similar values, compatibility, trust and connection.
For this analogy, if time is money then you’re spending a lot to create a friendship. It’s an investment, but a wise investment.
The Friend 3-Step Action Plan
So, if it’s so great for your well-being but there’s all these obstacles then how do you go about getting friends? Here are 3 Simple Tips to successfully making friends.
First, it can be helpful to take inventory on your current friendships.
Are there any still going that just need to be revived?
Are there any that need repaired?
Are there any that would be best to retire?
If it’s just been awhile since you have communicated with a friend, reach out and reconnect. Even if the friendship cannot be what it was before, the history you’ve shared still has value and is worth keeping in touch.
Just knowing you still care about each other even if you’re at different seasons in life practices your ability to maintain friendships and builds confidence towards creating new ones.
ACTION PLAN: Contact 3 friends you haven’t connected with in awhile and ask if they can schedule on the calendar a time to catch-up (in-person or virtually). Ask for 3 dates and times and then do your best to make one of those times work. Schedule it, even if months out or it won’t happen.
For any friendships that ended unexpectedly, take ownership of your part and allow forgiveness for you and your friend. If it was once a valued friendship, it might be worth repairing.
Was there a miscommunication, lack of communication or misunderstanding?
Do your best to evaluate from a neutral attitude and when you’re clear where you stand reach out and see if the other person is open to an honest, non-judgmental dialogue and possible reconnection of friendship.
You are both human and everybody makes mistakes and can grow…if anything, clearing the air will bring closure.
If your friend isn’t open to discussing or reengaging, you’ll benefit from letting them know that you’re there if and when they’re ready to talk but then let it go. You’re not in control of their response, only yours.
ACTION PLAN: After reviewing the past situation from a calm, neutral mind reach out to the friend and see if they’re willing to connect. Like before, ask for 3 dates with times and do your best to make one work. Schedule it on the calendar to make sure it takes priority.
Emotional Tip - If you send the request and the person doesn’t respond immediately DO NOT get upset, assume anything negative, or let your mind spin with all the reasons why this person isn’t getting back to you. You don’t know why they aren’t responding, so don’t even try to figure this out. Patiently wait or let it go. Life is busy for everyone and your thoughts aren’t theirs so don’t assume the worst.
Next, there are the friendships that have run their course and no longer make you feel good when you’re together.
Ending a friendship can be challenging for both parties. This is one of those times to remember to treat others as you would want to be treated.
No one is perfect, and some friendships just don’t make sense anymore.
Unless the person has physically or mentally hurt you, it is healthiest to communicate calmly and honestly why you want to move on.
In a time where it’s so easy to “ghost” or “cancel” people out of our lives, this leaves damaged feelings in its wake.
As with all ending relationships, that sense of closure does provide all involved the chance to clearly understand the situation and choose to move forward in a healthy, mature way.
ACTION PLAN: As with the two above situations, get something scheduled and on the calendar but obviously this interaction would be best in a private setting to allow for emotions and feelings to be expressed.
Emotional Tip - It’s important to get very calm and clear before approaching this type of conversation. Since the other person will not know why you are ending the friendship prior to this moment, they will most likely be dealing with big emotions that don’t feel good.
The more you can prep yourself to be calm, respectful and understanding, the better the interaction will be received.
It’s helpful to be compassionate but firm. Knowing your values and boundaries is key and holding to them will allow you to walk away knowing you did your best to end this amicably.
2. Quality over Quantity - With limited time, this is when it’s great to appreciate that fewer very close friends are more valuable than a contact list full of what should really be defined as acquaintances.
Grab onto those friends that get you…the REAL you in all your weirdo glory because let’s face it, we’re all weird in our own wonderful way but only true friends can appreciate it.
3. Meet More People - Get out of your comfort zone and go meet people. If after doing a friend inventory you still find you’re still missing connections with people that are in the trenches of life similar to you then GO FIND THEM.
Life is what you make it and if you continue to wait for friendships to just naturally fall in your lap, you may be lonely for longer than is necessary or healthy.
How much time are you willing to let pass by before taking action?
For some, this may be easy if you have an outgoing personality that thrives in large groups, events, or generally just puts yourself around lots of people.
For this personality, it’s just about being yourself and keep talking to people until something clicks. Then be sure to ask for the connection.
For example, “Hey, I’d like to hear more about [enter shared interest]. I’ll send you my info on [Facebook/Instagram/etc] and let’s meet for coffee.”
It can feel a little like dating, so similar rules apply…stay calm, be yourself, but as mentioned earlier if they don’t respond right away don’t assume the worst causing your mind to spin with all the reason why they aren’t responding and don’t follow-up unless it’s been at least a few days.
So let’s say you’re like me and a bit more of an introverted homebody, then putting yourself in social situations feels even more challenging.
I joined multiple Mom groups which not only gave my kiddo playdates, I learned so many great parenting tips and hacks.
Honestly though, I didn’t make instant connections.
It wasn’t until I said “yes” to a mom inviting me over after I asked in our Facebook group for ideas on what to do with kids locally. I almost said “no” because I thought she was just being polite and I felt awkward about going.
But, I took the leap of faith and ended up becoming close with her and a few other moms she had connected with at the playground.
Our kiddos played together over the next 3 years while getting to witness positive examples of friendships…all because I asked one question and stepped out of my comfort zone.
For working parents, these types of groups can be challenging for playdates but many groups have evening events. There’s also Meetups, life groups at church, local events at your library, or check local Facebook groups for people with similar interests.
If in doubt, ask others in local Facebook/NextDoor groups…you are NOT alone in wanting to make authentic connections so if you’re willing to be vulnerable enough to ask, similarly searching folks will respond.
If nights and weekends are all you typically have available then making a time on your calendar to get out is a good solution.
Making a date with your spouse is touted as the key to a successful marriage after having children and just as importantly is making time for yourself which includes making friends.
Happier Parents=Happier Kiddos
No one is perfect nor is any friendship. We will all stumble and make mistakes so finding forgiveness in yourself and others will allow for long-term friendships to endure.
Once you have a trusted friend it’s important to nurture the relationship to keep it going long-term. It takes work, like any great relationship, but if you put in the effort of time and authenticity the returns are enormous.
I know after spending time with a close friend or even after talking on the phone I feel so much more grounded, understood and appreciated.
My cup is fuller and my confidence and acceptance of myself is lifted.
I scheduled 3 coffee chats in 2 weeks with friends new and old… it was 100% worth every moment of calender coordinating, baby-sitter finding, and loss of productive work time. My coffee cup is empty but my soul is joyful.
Friends are the people we choose to let into our little world and it’s empowering to know we created those relationships.
Just imagine what other incredible things you can create in your life when you put your mind to it.
If you’re still struggling to find the time or energy to make or maintain friends, it’s time to evaluate your why’s. Don’t feel you have to spin in your head about overwhelm and let even more time pass by where you’re not thriving.
Life’s short, so be the example to yourself, your family and your current or future friends on how good it can be when you make the decision to do things better.
Know you need to step up your friend game, but not feeling confident on what actions to take next? Reach out to me at lisa@lisapirinelli.com and let’s chat.
This is an area I love helping others excel in because the importance of growing your village is critical to your success in life and overall mental health.
Everyone’s situation is different and having someone there to encourage and guide you every step of the way helps you stay calm, accountable and focused on your goals.
Be you. Authentically and Confidently.
